Food Glorious Food

This is a pretty honest one so buckle up! Before I became poorly, I'd always had a very good appetite, to the point I was known for it! However, that's another thing that changed over night, I went from a great appetite to not feeling hunger at all, even to this day I haven't felt 'hungry' for over a year. This has lead to a rapid weight loss of 14kg total, when I didn't 'need' to lose weight as it was. I was fit and strong and my body has changed completely.

My weight loss is a result of not eating enough, both due to not feeling hunger and also when I do eat, I feel full very quickly. My weight loss has balanced out now but mainly due to having dieticians and nutritionists involved and placing me on supplement drinks. Unfortunately, it's also fed into something more that had bubbled under the surface and has become more of something that can't be ignored; an issue of body image also known as body dysmorphia, and also the development of the beginning of an eating disorder where I'm almost scared to put on weight. 

Having spoken to the doctors, this is something that is unsurprising to them and is something they've seen before. Even so, it doesn't make it any easier and my relationship with food has changed immensely. It also makes sense to the dietician as food has become the only thing that I can control whilst it feels like everything else is spinning out. 

What I'm trying to do is start to change the thinking and the power behind the voice in my head that tells me I can't put on weight, or when I have eaten something 'bad' to stop feeling so disgusted at myself afterwards. I'm also trying to change it to thinking that food is for strength to help enable my recovery. This is far easier said than done, but I'm working on it both with the dieticians and with my therapist.

Weight loss is something that's always spoken about in a positive light and actively encouraged for a 'desirable' look, but it isn't always a positive thing and can be harmful. This is something that probably needs to be spoken about more often in a supportive way. 

That's enough baring all for today, ta ta for now! 

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