Finding my tribe

Friends are a huge part of life; they come in many forms, some are actually aquaitances who will fizzle out, some are found through joint experience, you may find some who are simply there for a good time until life gets serious, and then there are true friends. True friends are the family we choose, they're there when you need them, they're honest with you, and you know that no matter what you can always count on them, even if it's been a while since you last caught up. True friends are those friends you don't see often, let alone regularly message with, but when you do it's as though no time has past and you're picking right up where you left off. I'm very lucky in that I have a core collective of true friends who have stuck with me through the good and bad, the poor boyfriend choices and the years I had an awful fringe; they've also unknowingly got me through and made life worth living when I've had my darkest times. 

In this day and age where everything is so digital we're more connected than ever, I've found this can lead to those quick flitting encounters where no one seems to have the patience to sit and talk one on one enough to make a meaningful human connection, or you have an intense few days of messaging and then *poof* it's all over faster than it started and the next time you see them you stand awkwardly not knowing what to say. Even in person, the phone always finds its way to muscle in somehow, taking over the attention span with endless quick gratification that doesn't involve any effort. However, there are still those rare occasions where you meet someone and instantly click. Since I've been unwell, I've been lucky enough to meet people who have either had similar experiences, bonding over a shared understanding, or haven't seen me for Illness but the person underneath, fighting every day to not be defined by long term health issues.

Even with these new found connections and my solid core of well developed friendships, I've found myself worrying that they will see me differently, treat me differently because of my ongoing health issue, perhaps not want to chat about their own issues because they're worried about causing additional stress. I've also found myself getting anxious and almost dreading social interaction with them because I know I'm not currently myself and my energy is limited, knowing the kick back of over doing it will heighten my symptoms for a good few days after a small interaction. Then I feel guilty and silly for having these feelings and working myself into a hole, exhaserbating the symptoms anyway! Ultimately though, I know that having these social interactions with people I love and care about will do me the world of good and allow me to feel like a 'normal' human being for a while, and that's why it is worth whatever kick back there is. I also know that if I need to cancel last minute because I'm having an especially crappy day, they will understand; but oh how I hate to disappoint! 

I imagine others reading this who have struggled with not just long term health issues, but social anxiety, will recognise some of what I've talked about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that long term illness absolutely impacts your friends too, even if they may not realise it. Your interactions suddenly become a balancing game of give and take, between the joy of seeing/interacting with them feeling normal, and the bodily toll that you pay later on. 

To all my friends in real life, I truly am grateful for you putting up with me! 

Ta ta for now!