Unconditional love

In the final part of my relationships series, I'm ending on what are probably the most formative relationships we have: family. Family can either be something that is your biggest supporter, or part of your issue; for me it's a bit of both.

I wouldn't say there has been a seismic shift in the relationship with my family, but I feel the biggest alteration is that I've become a 'worry' in more than a simple familial bond way. There's also this sudden pressure that I feel to be constantly improving, and when I'm not, or I've taken a step backwards, it feels as though I've let them down and I'm not getting better fast enough for them. Part of this maybe true, as they just want me back to 'me', but a lot of the time it's also pressure from myself to get better. There's also the inevitable questions of 'when are you going to do x, or why aren't you doing z' that come with complicated feelings and I just find myself automatically on the defensive and getting wound up. I know all they want to do is support and help, but it isn't always communicated effectively and leads to heated discussions that would not otherwise take place.

Now I mentioned at the start that family can also be a part of your problem, and unfortunately for me it is part of my deeper issue and associated with a large amount of the emotional trauma that has led to my gut brain disconnect. This has meant that I've had some strained relationships for a long time and, since being unwell, I've been more confused than ever on how to manage them. I now understand and have a direct correlation between interactions and my symptoms flaring, showing me that ultimately these interactions are unhealthy. Even though I have this direct and very clear correlation it has almost doubled down on the guilt of 'putting myself first', including when I was in hospital and would not allow those family members to visit due to not being able to handle it at that point. So how on earth am I supposed to try and address this whilst it makes me physically and mentally unwell? If anyone has the answers to that I'd be greatful! 

At the end of the day, family are usually your biggest supporters but also your harshest critics and they just want what they feel is best for you. However, it's not always a simple road, and although the love is usually unconditional, it can sometimes feel as though you're in a constant battle against your own self preservation and what society deems your relationships with family should be; with this I feel long term illness has a habit of bringing out the strengths and weaknesses in even the strongest families.

Ta ta for now!