Working on it

 Last week I mentioned how I've had to take a step back from work and career in order to focus on my health, so it seemed fitting to talk about our relationship with work/colleagues and how putting your health first can impact you in more ways than one. 

I imagine that most people reading this have had a moment of realisation that perhaps their work life balance isn't the best. Work life balance seems to be something that alot of us talk about and are aware of but aren't always that motivated, or perhaps able, to do something about. For me, I figured this out a little too late when my body was already trying to warn me (cue losing my voice for 3 years and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and my husband trying to encourage me to finish on time more often than I did. Now, before anyone gets the wrong impression, work was not the cause of my issues, this was already long embedded in my system, but the associated stress (normally created by myself for being a perfectionist and people pleaser wanting to deliver more than expected) did not help in any way. It took my becoming unwell, and therefore being off sick, for me to realise that although I was a valued employee, I was not irreplaceable; as they say, we are often just a small cog in a much larger machine. Despite coming to this realization, the guilt at being off sick was over bearing at times, often beating myself up for not getting better quick enough, or worrying that a colleague may see me out and about and think 'oh she looks fine she's just milking it!'. Even now, being unemployed, that guilt has transferred to shame at not having a job and not being a 'functional' member of society. This has meant that the pressure I once put on myself to get back into work has now transferred to pressure to get another job, despite regularly being reassured that I'm not well enough/ready and doing the right thing as I'm still early on in my recovery; but pride is an interesting thing. 

Even now, I worry someone from my old job may see a social media update or out, and determine that I'm 'faking it'. Ultimately I know this is silly and people just want me to be well again, but I almost feel as though I have to prove to myself that taking a step back was the right thing to do and continues to be. This is partly why whenever the subject of getting a small job comes up I am finding myself on the defensive, because I know in myself I'm not well enough, but I am trying to get to a point when normal day to day function is manageable before stepping back into work; convincing myself and that background fully however is a different kettle of fish. 

As I've mentioned, I've taken a step back from employment to focus on my health. Initially it was a tough pill to swallow and had a huge impact on what little self esteem I had. However, after a couple of months, I've realised that perhaps this is an opportunity to start thinking about a career change, try something that will work with my health and not against it. This has given me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and meant I've started to think about what would really make me happy once I am able to re enter society. On that note, I'd like to end with this thought: social norms dictate that our professions are what define us in life and that we should work until we become successful and have good financial stability, but it shouldn't be at the cost of our personal happiness and health. Unfortunately I have had to learn this the hard way, but luckily at a young enough age to do something about it.

Ta ta for now!