Food glorious food part 2

Back in June last year I opened up about how food had suddenly become an issue for me overnight, and I wanted to give a little update.To be able to do this subject justice, this will be the first installment of a 2 part update, rather than making you read a small novel posing as a blog post!

Reading my post ('food glorious food') back it makes me sad to realise that, realistically, my body dismorphia and eating disorder are far more engrained in my psyche than I realised at the time. Rather than my managing to overcome it with, what seemed simple, changes of thought pattern to 'food is strength', it has doubled down. I will freely admit that this is mostly down to my naiveity regarding how long I've actually been dealing with this (turns out most of my adult life), and just how firm those foundations are sunk into my brain.  

I've now realised that my body dismorphia spans from childhood; always being heavier than my friends, 'innocent' childish teasing being called chubby, chubster, and fatty, my 'puppy fat' being used to make y belly button 'sing', seemingly innocent but resulting in forever comparing how I looked to my much more slender peers. The fact is, I was just built differently, being 'big boned' as they call it and always haveing had good strong legs and a 'horse riding bum' as my grandma calls it. But, because of this I weighed more than the other girls and this played on me, making me feel fat in comparison.

As I've mentioned, pre-illness I was strong, fit and in the most positive self image headspace I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I still struggled, but I was able to 'reason' with the intrusive 'fat' thoughts the scales provided - infact I would very rarely weigh myself and went off how my body felt. Fast forward to today where, since my un-needeed weight loss, I obsessively weigh myself everyday, getting anxious when being weighed at the hospital because I've got all my clothes and shoes on and I've eaten. I've also received compliments like 'oh girls would be so envious of how skinny you are now!' and, 'maybe you were eating too much before and you should be eating less'. This is the opposite of what I need to hear, it has actually made those thoughts of needing to lose weight and restrict myself even worse as it's fed directly into the insecurities I've always had; I weigh and eat too much. Even when it's more positive: 'you've eaten well today!', that causes panic, it feels like I can't win. Trying to build myself back up through exercise has also been a challenge in this aspect, purely for the fact that my brains equation ignores the fact that muscle mass gained = healthy weight gain, it goes straight to: gained weight = restrict further. 

To help stop my initial weight loss, I was placed on supplement drinks (aka 'ensures'). For those not aware, these drinks provide 300 calories with protein, fiber and multiple vitamins and minerals needed daily. This has been a subject of a lot of discomfort for me, mainly due to the fact I'm even on them. I know I need them, but they supply a tangiable symbol of my mental and physical battle, and they've become something that I feel ashamed of. My disordered brain also sees them as an 'either or', not what they should be, which is a 'non negotiable addition to support my body'. What I mean by this is that I feel as though they are something I have to budget my calories for, so in order to have one, I have to burn extra calories so I can have something 'naughty' (e.g. chocolate), either that or if I haven't budgeted for both I skip the drink for the naughty chocolate snack and then berate myself for it. If you're exhausted reading this then imagine how I feel! I'm trying to circumvent this by making the drinks into something like baked oats or chia pudding, but even then there's a 'guilt' aspect because I'm not having a full carton in one go and technically I'm prescribed 2 per day... 

Luckily, the dietician I work with is brilliant and I am able to speak openly and honestly to her without fear. She's supporting me, helping me try to redirect the obsessive calorie counting to more productive tracking such as fibre and protein. This is something I'm still struggling with but 'Rome wasn't built in a day'. I will touch more on some resources next week that are helping me identify the disordered thoughts and take steps towards recovery.

Ta ta for now! 

P.s. if this is something youre finding familiar, youre not alone! If you're in the UK, Beat is a charity dedicated to eating disorders - https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/ 

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