The Green Goblin

Talking about the buried anger last week got me thinking about what other emotions I'm regularly suppressing, but are extremely prevelant in how my current health is impacting my every day interactions. So I guess a new series has come about quite organically - this week it's envy/jealousy. 

It's quite normal to feel jealous about one thing or another, and when you think about it,  jealousy crops up more often than we realise. You could be jealous of how amazing someone elses life seems to be, someones wealth and financial standing, the amazing holiday one of your friends is on whilst you're in the office or at home in the rain. Anything that you wish you had or were doing that's different to your here and now. 

I've realised that I'm finding myself envious of the every day 'normality' where life isn't revolving around pain, sickness, fatigue. I'm envious of my pre-illness self who was functioning - albeit not quite as well as she thought she was! Most of all, I'm envious of my friends whose lives are moving forward and achieving their dreams when I'm 'stuck' - life on pause. It's not a nice feeling to have when your loved ones are telling you about all these amazing things they're doing or experiencing, and even though the majority emotion is happiness for them, feeling proud of them, there's a definite undercurrent of jealousy the longer my condition lasts. 

This all feels so silly when I think about it, yet if someone in a similar position said the same to me, I would be extremely empathetic and understanding to their situation and feelings. A lot of that feeling is related to the fear of being 'left behind'; becoming the 'boring friend' you lose contact with or never really want to see because it's always you going to them, you can't do anything fun together, or at least are restricted, or they always have to pull out of things because they're not as well as they'd hoped to be. 

I imagine if you have a health condition limiting your daily functionality at the moment, you may recognise this in yourself. I'll be honest with you it was only through thinking about the other emotions I'm regularly suppressing that I had this epiphany of my own jealousy towards those who are simply 'living their life'. This realisation is not a nice thing to have and, I at least, felt rather guilty once it dawned on me, but also frustrated for myself. I also worry now that this envy may filter out in my responses to those loved ones without me realising; that's also probably me over thinking it! 

I realise its probably quite normal for someone in a similar position to feel this way, but at the same time I can't help but wish I didn't!

Ta ta for now! 




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