'Tis the season to be jolly'

Christmas feels like its racing towards us at an alarming rate! It only feels like 2 seconds since we were basking in a heatwave and now it's rainy, damp and cold with the Christmas decorations up. It's certainly a time of year that can bring up a lot for people, it is also a bit like marmite; you either love it or hate it.

For me, Christmas is something that I find myself getting initially excited about but then this turns to dread, anxiety and numbness the closer we get. I've felt this every year for the last 15 years or so and I cant really explain it. As a kid it was super exciting and Christmas was always enjoyable, but at some point this all changed. I don't think I can pinpoint a particular moment for this but I can definitely think of a certain Christmas that was a big turning point. I don't want to go into the details of it, but I  just remember it as being very stressful, with underlying tension and was finished off with a couple of bereavements in the family. Since then, I've found that in the run up to Christmas the numb feeling grows and grows, slowly taking over everything. There are some days where I get into the Christmas spirit of it all, and I enjoy seeing people open their gifts and enjoy them, but once the main Christmas period arrives the numb jumper is fully on and preventing any feelings (good or bad) from showing through. Christmas Day is probably the day I find most difficult with my whole body feeling completely numb and the anxiety over 'being jolly' and 'not bringing everyone else down' taking over, making it difficult to be 'in the moment' and enjoy the day with loved ones. What's crazy is once Christmas Day has gone, I don't feel relief, it's almost a loss and I regret how I haven't 'enjoyed' it enough and wasted the day. I think with the whole, if your don't like Christmas you're a 'grinch' or a 'scrooge' it can make things worse; it's not that you don't like Christmas, you just find it more difficult than others to 'be merry' because your mental health has other ideas and that's ok. 

One thing I do know though, my husband helps make Christmas easier, he understands that it is difficult for me and shows me the grace that I struggle to show myself. I hope every year that I am able to cut through this cycle, so here's hoping I'm successful this time. 

I will leave you on this, whether you enjoy Christmas or not, just be wary that it's not a good time of year for everyone, and it can also be the most difficult time of year for some. 

Ta ta for now!


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