The Fear Phantom

Something I didn't realise until starting this little series on emotions, is that fear and jealousy are often intertwined. It was only whilst I was writing last weeks blog that this realisation hit me, so it only feels right to talk about 'fear' this week. 

Now, I was going to write about fear anyway, but firstly I'll cover how it feeds into last week's jealousy topic. On reflection, I realised a lot of what I touched on last week was linked to the fear of being left behind by friends and loved ones as they carry on their lives and do all these incredible things; the fear of being forgotten about, or worse, unwittingly holding them back from something they want to do because they don't want to upset or make you feel left out, or flare your condition if it is something you're supposed to be involved in. Even as I wrote last week's post, I worried (a form of fear) that friends may see it and feel guilty for living their lives. 

That leads me nicely on to the forms of fear, of which I suppose jealousy is almost like a half sibling? Thinking about it, anxiety and worry also probably have their footholds in fear. After a little research, fear is categorised into 5 universal triggers, of which I won't list here, but the relevant ones in this case are: 1) Loss of autonomy, 2) separation and 3) ego death**. 

Loss of autonomy - you can probably take an educated guess at this one, but it is the fear originating from 'being paralysed, trapped, restricted, or controlled by forces outside our power'. In the case of long term illness, this is very relevant, as I for one certainly feel this daily. I am not afraid to admit that I'm scared of being like 'this' forever; stuck in a cycle of pain, nausea and fatigue, my freedom restricted by my physical capabilities. But that is where hope comes in, and reflection on how far I've come helps to ease the anxiety bubbling underneath. 

Separation - pretty self explanatory, and I've probably already covered it above, but to add a bit more definition 'the fear of abandonment, rejection, or becoming an outcast'. I feel like this one is very prevelant day to day when it comes to relationships, especially our partners, not wanting to hold them back but also being fearful of losing them due to the situation you find yourself in. I'd also say this goes for friendships as I've set out already. 

Finally, Ego Death - now this one was a new term for me, but it is 'the fear of humiliation, shame, or self-disapproval that destroys our sense of competence and worth'. As soon as I read this definition, it hit home big time. I've previously spoken about in past blogs how a lot of my self worth and pride were attached to my former profession. And when I lost it, I'll be honest, my already low self worth took a huge hit. So, despite this flavour of fear not cropping up everyday, it is definitely bubbling under the surface, and possibly one of the hardest ones to address when you're in the storm of long term illness. But if you feel like your pride has taken a hit for one reason or another through long term illness, know you're not alone and it is completely normal. With that, pride is actually something I intend to cover at a later date in more detail, so watch this space! 

To bring this to a close, fear is a completely natural thing to feel in any situation. It is literally hard wired into us as human beings. Even if it is disguising itself as something else, or coming along with a couple of friends to form worry, anxiety, jealousy. 

Ta ta for now! 

** For anyone interested, the other 2 forms are extinction and mutilation