Gut Brain Glow Up

Grief is normally throught about in connection to losing a loved one or a beloved pet. But to finish off my little buried emotions series,  I'm looking at the grief connected to lost opportunities, lost time and life pre illness. Grief itself is very complicated, we all experience and deal with it differently, and by no means am I comparing the loss of a loved one to not being able to go for a hike with friends.  Grief can disguise itself in many ways, including some of the other emotions I've covered the last few weeks, but to name a few - sadness, anger, fear numbness, even exhaustion. So what do I mean by all of this?  I suppose it's easier to summarise as a list of questions -  'what if I were well' 'we could have done this that and the other' 'we'd have done that bucket list trip by now' 'surely I'd have had a promotion or 2 by now and have the financial standing to afford the next step up on the housing ladder' Even 'maybe w...

Something I didn't realise until starting this little series on emotions, is that fear and jealousy are often intertwined. It was only whilst I was writing last weeks blog that this realisation hit me, so it only feels right to talk about 'fear' this week.  Now, I was going to write about fear anyway, but firstly I'll cover how it feeds into last week's jealousy topic. On reflection, I realised a lot of what I touched on last week was linked to the fear of being left behind by friends and loved ones as they carry on their lives and do all these incredible things; the fear of being forgotten about, or worse, unwittingly holding them back from something they want to do because they don't want to upset or make you feel left out, or flare your condition if it is something you're supposed to be involved in. Even as I wrote last week's post, I worried (a form of fear) that friends may see it and feel guilty for living their lives.  That leads me nicely on to t...

Talking about the buried anger last week got me thinking about what other emotions I'm regularly suppressing, but are extremely prevelant in how my current health is impacting my every day interactions. So I guess a new series has come about quite organically - this week it's envy/jealousy.  It's quite normal to feel jealous about one thing or another, and when you think about it,  jealousy crops up more often than we realise. You could be jealous of how amazing someone elses life seems to be, someones wealth and financial standing, the amazing holiday one of your friends is on whilst you're in the office or at home in the rain. Anything that you wish you had or were doing that's different to your here and now.  I've realised that I'm finding myself envious of the every day 'normality' where life isn't revolving around pain, sickness, fatigue. I'm envious of my pre-illness self who was functioning - albeit not quite as well as she thought she...

Hello! After a couple weeks break I'm back! Whilst on my little break, a topic came up that has probably been bubbling in the background of some of my posts but not explicitly called out; that topic is 'anger'.  I may have touched on anger previously, but that's because anger seems to come in multiple forms depending on the situation. I believe I've mostly referred to anger in the form of frustration; frustration at the situation, at how long everything seems to take, but also with myself. Other forms may be annoyance, irritation, irritability, feeling resentment about something. For those who know me 'IRL', they'll know that I rarely get angry, and when I do I find it very, very hard to manage. I become the human version of the anger emotion in 'inside out'; physically shaking, a ball of angry energy with no idea where to put it, sometimes audibly 'roaring' and becoming emotionally volatile. I also have a horrible habit of deferring bac...

Well well, here we are at the 2 years mark. I must admit I've felt rather uneasey the past couple of weeks as today (29th April) approaced. I thought twice about making this post in all honesty, as it probably gives it more weight than I should award it. However, I then thought that its a good opportunity to reflect on just how far those 730 days have brought me.  So how has the last 2 years played out? Well in a nutshell: - 18 months were spent trying to understand what the heck is wrong, with a fair few detours taken on the way, eventually being confirmed to have Centrally Mediated Abdominal Pain Syndrome.  - The last 6 months has probably been the first real section I can name 'recovery'. With the likes of PTSD treatment, accupuncture, yoga and now hypnotherapy, all playing a very important role in what is to be a long road to recovery.  Yes, it's been frustrating, and I'd absolutely rather be healthy and not going through this, but it has also taught me some ext...

Nature! How often do you actually stop and take note of the natural world? I've suddenly realised recently how often I walk around too much in my head, or phone, to take stock of the nature around me. Yet, despite my habit of not really appreciating my surroundings, I'm benefitting from it all the same.  I imagine most of us have experienced the power of getting 5 minutes of fresh air on our mindset. But, how often do you actually stop and really take note of the happenings around you? The birds singing, the fresh Spring blooms, that special colour of green the new leaves have. Whether its because of the sunny weather or because I've made an extra effort to take stock of what's around me, nature has had an extra mood lifting effect lately. Being British, I won't lie that the sun probably has a lot to do with it (all us Brits seem a lot happier on sunny days because of how rare they are!), but really taking stock of the intricate blooms, the bees, and butterflies sud...

Part 3 is here! Not exactly the most exciting thing to wait for, but for anyone who's interested here it is... Do you know what the biggest irony of dealing with the mental pressure to keep weight off is? I'm not happy with my body. Plain and simple. All this mental energy being wasted to achieve something I'm ultimately not happy about. So if I'm not happy , why not change it? Because its not that simple - the instant that scale goes up, or I feel bloated, I hate my body even more and panic. I've mentioned before that prior to losing the weight and being ill, I was confident and at the happiest with my body I'd ever been; yes I still had days of feeling 'gross' but they were completely outweighed (ha, pun not intended!) by the fact my body was so strong, and I was amazed at exactly what it could do. I think this is why I'm not happy with it now - even though I've very much got the desirable look for social media,  skinny,  my body feels weak and...

Back in June last year I opened up about how food had suddenly become an issue for me overnight, and I wanted to give a little update.To be able to do this subject justice, this will be the first installment of a 2 part update, rather than making you read a small novel posing as a blog post! Reading my post ('food glorious food') back it makes me sad to realise that, realistically, my body dismorphia and eating disorder are far more engrained in my psyche than I realised at the time. Rather than my managing to overcome it with, what seemed simple, changes of thought pattern to 'food is strength', it has doubled down. I will freely admit that this is mostly down to my naiveity regarding how long I've actually been dealing with this (turns out most of my adult life), and just how firm those foundations are sunk into my brain.   I've now realised that my body dismorphia spans from childhood; always being heavier than my friends, 'innocent' childish teasing ...

I think everyone understands the feeling brain fog and the old noggin not firing on all cylinders when you're feeling unwell. This may be because of a cold you've picked up, the impact of a poor nights sleep, a bad mental health day or one of the symptoms of a more chronic issue. On these days (which has been every day with varying severity over the last couple of years) it's hard to put your mind to anything and 'be productive'. Even the little wins requiring mental energy seem like mountains to climb, and all you feel like you're capable of is doom scrolling or binge watching. This is where I've found it useful to have something creative I can return to that is soothing for me mentally, I enjoy, and feels 'productive' in a manner that isn't as taxing.  This is where crochet and paint by numbers has come in; these activities give me an endgame that is achievable but not too taxing. For example, with both of these activities there is something be...

In my 'so whatcha gonna do about it?' post, I mentioned that hypnotherapy was on the cards as part of my treatment, well it's finally come around and I've finally started my 'Gut led hypnotherapy'. It has been a long time waiting, being lauded as the 'key' to unlocking everything and really making progress.  Now, when someone mentions 'hypnotherapy' or 'hypnosis', I don't know about you but my mind instantly jumps to the scene in George of the Jungle 2 where someone is hypnotised to eat a boat load of ice cream... Just me? Anyway, the point is, hypnosis has almost been satirised as a 'magic trick' or something done for entertainment in western society. Then you learn that actually its been a technique employed for various forms of therapy, including trauma, for almost a century (if not longer). Its actually something that is discussed in 'the body keeps the score' by Bessel Van Der Kolk, a well renowned and respected b...

For Christmas, my husband and I were gifted a voucher for a local escape room. We've done a couple before with friends and absolutely loved them, but have never done one as just the two of us. This weekend we put it to use and had a real 'date' afternoon for the first time in a long while.  I'll be honest, my husband and I are very different in how we approach tasks: he's an engineer so very methodical, has a good head on him and stays calm in all situations, I, however, am definitely the more chaotic of the two of us with my approach not always being the most logical or methodical, but it gets the job done! Our brains operate in different ways, but that's partly why we work so well together - he sees through the problem in front of us to compartmentalise into its different parts, and I see the road less trodden and am able to pick up on the hidden clues... that's if he's not already solved it and onto the next thing!  It turns out that our different app...

This week I did something for the first time in 2 years... I drove my car to the local dealership to get it's service and MOT. Yes this doesn't sound like much, but it's a huuuuuge step for me, here's why: Since I've been unwell, car journeys are, to put it bluntly, awful. I get car sickness that's on steroids and all the potholes and bumps exacerbate my pain, so being a passenger is something I just sort of put up with, and have a rest when we arrive wherever we're going. So add that to the mental energy and physicality actually driving the car takes, along with a fuzzy not quite fully with it brain, and you have a recipe for being a perfectly worn out and overwhelmed driver. Now, before anyone jumps in saying 'that's dangerous driving, what are you doing that for!?', I am fully aware of this and have been slowly building up my tolerance and 'driving fitness' by doing little drives to the gym and little bits around the local area so ...

It's amazing how you can go through life and not realise how many people you encounter have experienced trauma of some kind, have experienced similar issues or struggle with their mental health (this especially is less communicated and, in my opinion, needs to be spoken about more!); so when you meet someone and 'click' immediately because you both seem to work on the same brainwave, it can be quite freeing in a lot of ways!  I'm sure we've all experienced this 'vibing' with someone straight away, perhaps you have a shared interest that has brought you together or it's a chance encounter, but it feels 'right'. As you get to know them, it quickly becomes apparent that your brains are very similar - this maybe in the way you view the world or the way our minds like to play tricks on us and the commentary they provide in the form of anxiety and other mental health issues. I've been lucky enough to have extremely good friends for whom I'm ver...

In the UK we are very lucky to have the NHS, I think everyone will agree with that. Whether it is working at its best is another question entirely and a whole other discussion that I may touch on in parts today but it is definitely not the focus....  I am very fortunate in that I have the option of NHS and private, due to my husband's job providing health insurance for him and his family, which has meant that I've been able to fast track most of my appointments, investigations, tests and treatment. I have also, however, now learned of why private may not always  be best. For a bit of insight, during my Endo investigations prior to the laparoscopy, I had a pelvic MRI that revealed a synaptic cyst in my lumbar spine, this is a completely incidental finding and not something that has been causing any known issues, aside from perhaps some mild discomfort. As a result of this finding I was referred to a spine consultant (I'm not sure the proper name!) who reviewed it, clarified ...

So a couple of weeks ago I revealed my new years resolution to try and notice something good in every day. So far, I'm keeping at it! Even though there's been a couple of pretty crappy days, I've managed to find something good. So like yesterday (my normal posting day) I was exhausted, the brain was showing the blue error message (iykyk) and overall I was feeling rather gloomy; even then I was able to see the joy in my dog every time we did, well, anything! Even just letting her out into the garden to do her business in the rain was a cause for a big wagging tail and excited eyes. That's when it hit me. Finding the good in things is what dogs do!  Yes, I know dogs don't really have much to worry about such as paying bills, mortgages, putting food on the table, but they do have an innocence and flair for life that I think us humans need to take on a little more. We teach them tricks and general behaviors, but when we listen to them, they are teaching us so much more!...

Before you ask, no I'm not morphing into 'the bard', but I do want to see that new Hamnet film! But I digress... Today I wanted to open up about the decision I'm having to make in connection to managing my endometriosis, well it's more of a brain dump really! But then again that's essentially what this blog has been from the start. As you know, I've now found out that I have endometriosis, albeit only stage 1 (mild), and although this is only an incidental finding and not causing me any issues, it is still something to add into the mix and manage. Also, without management it has the potential to progress and start causing problems on top of everything else. The most common method of managing endo is with progesterone, used to help stop periods and slow tissue growth. Infact, I even had the option for a coil to be placed during my laproscopy to start managing it straight away, but it's something I've never really felt comfortable with (the pill has al...

'New Year New Me' has almost become a conical saying now, it seems almost everyone starts the gym or some new diet / fitness routine to 'improve' themselves and beat off the Christmas binge. This is usually coupled with a resolution or two. Some of these resolutions can actually become a new hobby (I actually managed this 4 years ago when mine was to start boxercise at the local gym, it became one of my favorite parts of my week and actually introduced me to a very helpful form of stress relief and finally forming a good fitness routine, but I digress...!) but, let's be honest, 99% of them are usually forgotten within the first few weeks as we settle back into familiar routines despite the good intentions.  This year I'm trying to do a repeat of my 'boxercise' resolution in that I'm trying to make one and make it stick! I decided it needed to be something that was achievable even on my more rubbishy days, so nothing super strenuous or unachievable at...

So here we are! 2026! Feels like 2025 was a 'blink and you'll miss it, but it also felt like a big year in many ways. Started the year with a new diagnosis of 'Gut Brain Disconnect' (GBD) ringing in my ears and not really understanding it; ending the year with a much better understanding, a deeper diagnosis under the GBD umbrella (of centrally mediated abdominal pain syndrome) and with a blog dedicated to my ongoing recovery - whilst also trying to spread and increase the awareness around GBD. So here's hoping 2026 is the year for major change and getting back to me! There's a lot of different treatments on my horizons, including the start of my gut-lead hypnotherapy in February, which I'm really looking forward to and (fingers crossed) seeing the positive impact it will have. I will, of course , be blogging about this when it starts!  I do feel the biggest change from this time last year is my perspective on everything; for one i actually have an understand...

Carrying on with the current christmas theme, another less talked about aspect for this time of year is seeing family or distant friends that you tend to, not avoid, but just not see for your own personal wellbeing. Yes everyone talks about the chaos that can be Christmas day, with some family gatherings feeling more like an episode of EastEnders; but what I'm referring to is the pre or post Christmas day visits that I'm sure most people must have. These visits come out of the feeling that 'its that time of year' and the pang of guilt that comes along with it. Now, you may avoid or not see these people for a very good reason and if it weren't for certain ties or loyalties and 'keeping the peace' you may have cut them off a long time ago, but Christmas has a way of bringing them and the associated guilt of not seeing them to the forefront.  I had my version of this last week, but luckily it went ok aside from a couple of comments and feeling as though I were ...

Christmas feels like its racing towards us at an alarming rate! It only feels like 2 seconds since we were basking in a heatwave and now it's rainy, damp and cold with the Christmas decorations up. It's certainly a time of year that can bring up a lot for people, it is also a bit like marmite; you either love it or hate it. For me, Christmas is something that I find myself getting initially excited about but then this turns to dread, anxiety and numbness the closer we get. I've felt this every year for the last 15 years or so and I cant really explain it. As a kid it was super exciting and Christmas was always enjoyable, but at some point this all changed. I don't think I can pinpoint a particular moment for this but I can definitely think of a certain Christmas that was a big turning point. I don't want to go into the details of it, but I  just remember it as being very stressful, with underlying tension and was finished off with a couple of bereavements in the fam...